Have you heard the modern parenting advice not to say to your kids “You’re a good girl” or “You’re a bad boy”? Instead we are told to focus on the child’s actions.

But saying “good girl” and “good boy” is almost a reflex action for most people of all ages – it’s hard to break. And what really is the harm?

Well, here’s the thing. Your kids don’t have a perception about themselves as a separate entity who is either good, bad, clever or stupid. It’s never occurred to them. So when we use this kind of language we are literally creating their sense of self for them – we are teaching them who they are with our words. 

So what should we say?!